زهنغ شووإكسيو

Are you a fisher or a hunter?

2011-10-10T08:28:00.001-07:00

Though both the jobs consist of its own sets of risks and rewards, the jobs description stays virtually apart. For starters, you need to have discipline, experience, patient to be a fisher, while being a hunter is more about courage, persistence and brawn. I will come back to this thought in a bit.

Will be flying back to Sabah (Kota Kinabalu) on the 13th Oct - 21st Oct, to see Jaime, looking forward to it. And in case anyone is wondering what happened since the last entry, this is what happen, I got together with Jaime and we are doing this long distance relationship "thang", and I also fired my Sagajuta Creative Communication Sdn Bhd boss and got into my own business.

For some unapparent reason we (the other shareholder is Zhang and Chung)have gotten ourselves into the food industry, making sausage to be specific and things hasn't been all buttery. I've even spent a week working for a German Chef Mr Lothar Andreas Becth at a place named "Fisherman Wharf" just to "steal" or in a political correct tone "learn" the art of sausage making from him. Yet it had been more or less futile as he himself buy sausages from a manufacturer (Eurodeli.com.my).

He did gave me some important pointers though, and the lessons I really learned is there is always fees to be paid before any reward is given. We are still working on the full recipe / method, until then.

Ok, so back to the fisher vs hunter story. From how I see things, metaphorically I want to be a hunter badly. I want to have this burning passion of desire in me scoring, succeeding is things I do, I want to live mentally as if I will not live forever. I am not saying this isn't the same if you are (literally or metaphorically) a fisher, but just I want to be out there, risking it, fighting it, improvising things, tasting the air. I want it bad. I am at the age where 10 years from now I will look back and regrets and reminiscence things I did or did not do.

I've also decided to get back to the game, though my end game is not to get laid but to rebuild my lost confidence. We will see how it goes. I do not know nor care what is ahead of me, but I've this weirdest feeling it's going to be fly.

P.s. Hadn't been writing for some time and this is still fun.

Actually bored

2011-02-15T18:08:00.001-08:00

14.02.11 was the best valentine I had. Now the only justification for this is that I had never celebrated valentine with anyone, so this is the first and I enjoyed it.

A lady name Jaime spent a night with me. I cooked for her, she brought me something and we slept together. Slept in meaning she was sleeping next to me, that’s all. And we watched a lot of movies, had a lot of kissing and talk a lot. It was fun but not enough, I had not enough.

So after the holiday, I am back to work. It drains me out because now I feel trapped and bored. Laying my next escape plan.
Now I feel working for money, and that’s bad. The upstream emotions I have when I start work dissipate much. Perhaps a motivation book will help, perhaps getting to the core of it will.

Anyway here is my new hair-do.

"Short hair people should not wear shorts."

End

valentine's day special.

2011-02-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

Having a date.

Promised to cook for someone.

Simple dish.
App: Broccoli Soup Serve with garlic bread
Main: Cottage Pie
Dess: Chocolate cake from Secret Recipe.

We will see how it goes.

Expectation 57.8% Eagerness 25.2% and Fun 17%

We shall see how it goes.

Feng Shui

2011-02-09T19:15:00.000-08:00

Picking up on fengshui, seems like an interesting read.

Just watched "Black Swan" and I liked it.

Wearing tie to work after god knows when.

Still coughing, resting, isolating.

Still thinking about people.

Still. Still. Still.

I am back to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah for my second day of work. Office is still melancholically quiet, albeit yesterday sudden stream of workflow.
The dynamics of thing changes a bit.

Was thinking of going for a very short hairstyle.

End

3rd of Jan 2011

2011-01-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

My last post was on the 2nd of Jan 2010. This makes it a year and a day from the last time I written here.
I am at Kota Kinabalu Sabah now; the last year was a mixture of constant disappointment and epic success. Learn, dissolve, failed and rise again.

This year will be epic year. Many things cross one mind, mine. The investment plan has been laid on the table, same goes with the living plan as well as the character building plan. Now, to do is to fulfill it and owns my destiny.

Prep talk aside, so what’s the plan I mentioned? Here it is in a retrospect a brief KPI of the year to come;

1> Accumulate wealth, raising my wealth offence and defense
- Frugal living is a must. Budget for a year, practice good spending habits.
- Investment, so far I have an FD (less eight years), Trust funds (sharing with mum) and insurance (bought by mum) under my name. Escalate it, and enhance the portfolio with other investment such as a property (by May 7 2011 worth above 50,000) bonds and shares (dividend)
- Work to be a star employee, raise income through additional sales and moonlighting service (consultant + employer)
2> Living plan, raise confident, health and courage.
- Read more books (estimate @ 25books Non fiction) this year
- More activities (that requires minimum amount of money, but maximum amount of knowledge, e.g. camping, hiking, biking, diving)
- Lower the scale of drinking and smoking, limit to below Rm300 a month
- Get a true companionship from someone significant, have courage and congruent
- Be good to all love ones’
3> Be a Good Character with extraordinary habits in;
- Discipline
- Articulate-ness
- Well groom
- More honest
- Smart.

In written form, the above is my resolution for the year ahead. I also promised to upload more pictures on this blog.

Until then.

لم تكن قصة حب.

2010-01-02T02:52:00.000-08:00

The title says " not yet a love story".

I got the translation from google translate.

If this tingling passion still exist that will be the title of my book.

Since I could never muster the energy and intellect to write something political and intellectual.

Emotions will be my field.

Or so i thought.

Let's do a chant... i can do it, i can do it, i can do it, i can do it X 100000

This is lame.

Jack and Jill

2009-07-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when the ratio of guys and girls are 3:1 and if you can hit on the girls, you are game. Well, I did and I don’t feel any manlier, I will share the reasons. And I will most probably sound like a bigot (which I am).

It was my friends Pr2d33p’s b’day bash; there were 35 of us and most probably 12 of them female. 3 are taken and 4 left early remaining 4 who are lurking. I hit on the lowest 2 with 2lici2 as my social norm

Jill (one of the low) was up the hill, she is basically a chubby 3/10 who’s desperate for attention, her friend s2r2 is also chubby but goodier. So I enter and introduce myself… yadda yadda… I slip my tongue and told her I have a girlfriend. We bonded and she throws me heaps of IOI, she even said that she never wants to be the chick breaking up my relationship. 

More drinking and yadda yadda, an hour before I left, I closed the 2 chubby chicks number. They invited me to Zouk this Thursday. I am contemplating.
And as I was leaving a 6/10 ch3ry1 actually opens me, but I dlv myself by playing a one two juice game which I lost. Sad.

Morning arrived with a fading smile on my face.

No flow.

2009-07-04T03:47:00.001-07:00

Nothing seems to work anymore, and then I recalled nothing has worked before? Have I been wrong? Was it that it doesn’t works for nuts or was it me not working? I choose to believe that I don’t work, so responsibilities’ entire mine; more empowering this way. I thought of recalibration, to review my own doing.
My energy was way off the roof when I approach. I opened 7-8 sets with 4 of them using this particular line: - You guys saw the fight outside… yadda yadda (coincidentally there is a fight outside), there don’t seem to be hooked. I didn’t roll off or give proper verbal and non verbal FTC. I tried to push, they obviously had no idea what I was saying, or just plainly thinks I was hitting on them. I roll away gracefully. I blamed on the crowd, and the energy I portray, again it was way too high, it’s complex as the music is loud and it’s a fine line between loud and overly hyper.
Who I mixed with that night worth a mention as well, either from Alvin, the rest of the group was typically dead, which definitely lower down my status. Alvin was cool, and his game was really congruent, that’s why he went in so smoothly. The rest was just sitting down doing nothing, not a great boost to my status or the show I tried putting on. We left around 2 plus, with me befriending most of the guys in the club (wtf, yeah I know)
Night ended with me masturbating at home. What a way to restart Force journey.
I simply need to study and do more.

The missing flow

2009-06-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

I can formally declare that force is back, well he never really leave but just got overshadowed by his other brother, a temp hiatus.
Anyway he is back and you should lives with it.
So the social scientist Mr. Force was stuck in a very awkward positioning this evening. He dissects the alpha and analyzes the alpha’s congruency. It wasn’t jealously motivate, but more of an intelligent gathering.
The event: - Dinner
The party: - 4+1 males include me, 2 females 5/10 and 6/10. The males:-1 alpha, 2 betas, one observer (me) and one temp passing.
The story:- so come the bomb, one of the beta has openly declared of him pursuing one of the female (ktk), the another beta (imho) wants the other female (6). 6 bought her friend (Alpha M) to the event. Alpha M occupied the set. I decide to observe.
Beta 1 (jtwm) did a lot of small gesture to oust me. My flow was cut, my speech pattern shatter naturally because of alpha M congruency, he was a DJ. I observe more. We part ways after supper at devis. Alpha M is really good. He is comfortable in his skin, natural story teller and throws “negs” naturally. Good looks add points.
The lesson:- to find a good wingman who knows what is going on, practice on congruency and speech. Practice free flow and stay away from karaoke (showing too much interest) Could adopt a more no fuck no care attitude.
End 01/07/09

Ambassador.

2009-06-12T10:57:00.002-07:00

I was chosen to be one of the 4 ambassador/spokesperson for TRA. More info and pic will be upload shortly.

Breaking out of the cocoon.

2009-04-18T09:52:00.001-07:00

Sincerely I told myself I was tired. Quietly under my breathe I asked if its ever going to worth it, proudly I answered YES. There is a dry tears flowing down from my right eyes, only some can see it, only to a certain perspective.

A change, at these weird times I put my spirit and soul into a spontaneous adventure.

I am sexed, charged and very desirous to win.

Many hours I spent to wonder, just by myself, to wonder how many leaders have worn this very shoe, go through this path. How many times have I doubt many details, little ones. I dare not dream as big as winner do, but I feared of dying ambiguous and normal.

The juice, my life force seems to dip slightly. I can feel it, it’s very real.

Dilemma, like candy which taste so sweet but rotten your teeth if not tend properly. There are many questions to my constant woes.

I yearn to understand myself better, my pattern, and my deepest darkest hopes which locked under the barricades of rocks. All I can do now is doubt, and hope for that in the long run it pays of. Believe, we lived in a make believed world. I hope I can get attached emotionally with my intellect.

I am yet to be perfect; I need simplification to things, to uncomplicated matters.

A thin voice asked “what do you want? Define success!”

I want to live with dignity, I want those who I love feel the pride in loving me, and I want a worthwhile adventure with much stories to my legacy. I want a complete stranger to love me as a child, hold me as a father, and consume me like a lover. I want dreams to be fulfilled, groan to be abolished. I want a better world to life, to life. I want to live joyfully as with the world. I want the world.

I release a quick breathe of comfort, a shallow one. I end the night.

Know thy self. (a touch on religion)

2009-03-16T19:47:00.001-07:00

Just yesterday I bailed my friend out of a police station. Now don’t get me wrong or confused for a random 24 years old that cherish and proud themselves over some fucked and complication of life in order to received sums of sympathy from strangers, No sir NO.

What happened and who he is should remain anonymous, but the lesson (I love lesson) should be easily excess by all. So what lesson is there to learn? No I am not an angelic-self-righteous-world-peace-advocate who thinks all things indecent should perish from the face of the earth. No sir NO. I simply think people should know themselves better.

Through which aspect you asked? Through their inner being, their little instinctive voice which will guide them out of anything.

Now I do not know which sect or group of religious being are you but please hear me out on my philosophy.

I believe we are somehow sent to this earth, this consciousness to learn something.

What we learn is very private, but yet very similar. We are here to learn about ourselves and how to perceive the world. For what reason, I do not know.

We are interconnect and one.

Our conscious is rule/guide by our super conscious/inner being/spirit (whatever you want to call it).

And our spirit is very eager to connect/contact with us whenever we are ready (for me, once I am quiet enough I can hear its voice)

And most of the time, it guide us by our emotions. When we are align with it, we feel a pure surge of joy, when we drift away we feel sorrow and down)

My my, I sound as though I am about to start a new sect, but before you condemn me to hell, I believe what I said here has long been said in numerous doctrines over the numerous millenniums, even trap inside billions of people’s mind. Just that there are not in tune enough to listen.

-End-

P.s. there is simply enough complication to make me not know you, time, space, race, place, etc. But know one thing; one ultimate truth is that we are here together, even if you are a faceless reader trapped in a loveless valley felling from grace towards the gate of lostdomhood. I will love you, and when I don’t recall this feeling remind me and I will love you back.

Love kleptomania.

2009-03-10T02:24:00.001-07:00

A quick stroll down memory-ville and many things he recited.

He was that school-uniform-wearing-field-running-teaching-squandering type of boy then. He was trusting, and young, flamboyant and careless. He was a boy then.

He did things which he is proud he did, at the same time embarrass of it. He wasn’t a book guy; books and he weren’t friends at that time (now he likes to see himself as an avid reader).

So then one moment struck him, he could be a jock who wears jaded socks. While it was nice, but the girls who flocks were likes mice and rocks. Indeed, girls fancy him but none succeed of owning him.

He has some hidden agenda. This is the story of how it goes: There once lived a stricken farmer who tells his son to void drama. “Son you are not supposed to steal, steal is greed and it’s not for you”. But which the son openly reveals, “Dad I am a rebel and things will not be as what you tell”.

That breaks the dad’s heart. But he was a boy then.

And off to school he went; into the class room without repent. There are friends and there are some fiends. And during lunch his kleptomania sets in. Many bags he search some boys some girls. Many secret he unfolds most old some told.

He recalls it with a surge of embarrassment. Stealing off from the love of friends and family, like a thief taking a piece of your heart.

Only few of his best mates knew as they grew through the secret. And many dramatic years later, few of them meet up and the old story glimpse with breathe of life again.

I was recalled that I was that boy.

That sincere adventurous guy, I wonder where he went? If I find him, I will rip over his comfortable tent and question him. I was a boy then. I was that boy then, I am still that boy now.

The art of game/ Questions to my answers.

2009-03-01T09:10:00.001-08:00

It’s not so much of picking up girls, getting laid and satisfying that survival urges (well, that’s part of it). It’s more of a quest which I want to further understand life or leave a mark on it as I become someone significant and worthwhile. To be someone that others talk about, someone who people desire to be likes, someone who others look forward to meet.

I love to dream and while my desire at times can be overcome by my slothfulness. I love to sleep, consciously seizing my brain function (I called it meditation, but it’s actually an inanimate living in denial) to feel more alive…

So, I was having some socializing sessions during the weekend.

Events include:

Tea session with my high school classmates.

Tea with Sengyip and George

Tea with Mingtat and Bomi

Clubbing session with Chris’s high school mates

Tea session with my high school mates.

I like to have mental impression of people I REmeet like how there are now, how there have move on or perhaps making a guess on how they view the world. I could be very accurate at times. I analyze everything. I am an introvert.

They talk about money, they talk about general knowledge, and perhaps some talk about themselves and making fun of others. But how come I feel very drain and unsatisfying? How come I feel that these sessions is a waste of time for everyone? I feel I am very much the odd one out. Socializing is a hypocrite affair where everyone is only interested in themselves.

I am not as socially awkward as I used to be. I can be the centre of attraction (like the tea session with my high school classmates, I was literally the spark of the crowd, I was the only person who stir up worthwhile conversation with others but yet I don’t feel very authentic)

Experiences bond friends. I actually have answer to every single question. I need proper Ego. I am complexly different.

Like I said I still like sleeping but when the awakening starts I will be someone significant, only when?

Come with me

2009-02-25T01:33:00.001-08:00

Maybe it’s my insecurity that pushes her away. I fantasize about her; I dream how I make love to her, with her, on her. From her sweet petite head, her slimmed body to her Eczema texture skin. She is far from perfect; I am far from perfect, she makes me complete by making me always being myself around her. I was supposed to be content, but I wasn’t, I was simply too insecure and pushed her right away.

The End.

I still think of her though.

A weird thing is I told her once in the very early of the “relationship” that I was going to occupy her mind but it backfired and now her occupying my mind instead.

That’s fucked.

Now two things which I am focusing right now are: My business and my monster confidence around people.

Short term goal with long term conclusion.

I will share more when I am ready.

From heaven to hell.

2008-10-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

I do not know how long more my fucked up diary can persist. Something got to give. I have even become a compulsive social mimicker, I can feel it. It’s weird.

Anyway, was at the ST convention for the last few days, gotten to know CC, and met up with GL. The first day was rather awesome as I was very attentive, the second day my attention span leave me and I become restless, then me and GL decided to go drinking with AY(accordingly it was her birthday) after which the convention ends at 12.

So we went plaza TTDI and got to know AY’s brother, Cheryl, Pam, Colleague 1 and 2 and few of their dude friends. Saw Celina which I kinda weird her out. Yadda yadda yadda, the lights on and I leave GL to drive home around 3.45am.

I slept and woke up around 8.34am, clean up and drove to Legend hotel for the last day of the Convention. And it inspire me a little bit, it reminds of the training I received from 95% last time. Yadda Yadda Yadda, I went home round 5 and slept and now I am awake, having this morning after, the clarity of thoughts. And I feel weird

End.

P.S. Sorry for my unenthusiastic story telling today as I am very deep lost in my own thoughts. Picture should be uploaded when I get hold of it. I haven’t been very congruent, I look much cooler now, but my mind and the way I act haven’t been complimentary. Time for more NLP, EFT, RD whatever shit… OH GOD!! I AM LAME!! : )

Project Narcissism

2008-09-25T18:57:00.000-07:00

Time to be vain, I said. But after all, vanity has always been part of me. ^^

Change my liabilities into assets to inspire others. Perhaps build a network to earn some extra income.

Favorite quote at the moment

I believe in the dignity of labor, whether with head or hand; that the world owes no man a living but that it owes every man an opportunity to make a living.
-John D. Rockefeller

Pic:- Just a spectrum of dust like how vain I can be

Too few caps for the bottles I opened.

2008-09-22T02:55:00.000-07:00

I am once again in the office, a little bit hang over* and a little bit unused to the absent of tranquility in my solitude hours. The 5 days weekend was a worthwhile trip; it realigns me my purpose of living and reason of doing things.

And what did I do in these 120 hours of vacant thoughts?

I slept at home.

Well not entirely, yet I felt so serene for the long stare at walls and emptying of thoughts to my book of dreams. Meditation might be a better word.

Ok! boring string of thoughts aside, during this time I also did pursuit my other project.

My “Project NuSkin.” (My apology for the directness of approach I used for the name of my project) was thus initiated. I will explain some other time when I think it’s more appropriate. In the mean time I need to shy away from responsibility : ).

*I went drinking on a Monday morning while certain I will go to work few hours later. I can still feel the alcohol in my blood corrupting my mental as I write. Favorite verse of the week: “its awesome shit”.

Whatever you do, do it with fun by your side.

2008-09-15T19:20:00.001-07:00

There is crust on my eyes, I can feel it. I have desire to wipe it off with my fingers, but my muscle seems to lack warmth and it’s not as responsive. The urge come and I slid my hand into my pajamas and…. Nah, you don’t to listen to such details. : )

So it was an eventful Saturday, work then went karaoking with colleagues for lunch, it was suppose to be Joseph last day, but somehow I shake everyone’s hand as if I am the star of the show, must be my subconscious trying to emulate the person I was born to be. ^^

After that, I rushed home to grab as much sleep as possible. I knew it would be a long day or night ahead of me, I was supposed to go Yumcha then MOS.

Met up with RT, FW, TM and AY at Bangsar’s Devi corner. I was on my spontaneous and fuckless mood, so when RT suggested we go find a place nearby to have a drink, I fucked the MOS planning and agreed. Walking around Telawi is what everyone seems to do anyway. It make me feel yuppish.

Then I saw JT, BT and co, and not surprisingly RT knew Mark, one of JT friends. (the initials are confusing, it’s just for me to keep track). After some “planning” everyone decided to head to LUNA BAR.

Luna Bar proof to be as good as it sound, with its open rooftop and swimming pool, the place just enthralled me with its sophisticated tendency. The only let down is the crowd, first it’s not a big one, second, the guy to girl ratio is 2 to 1.

I even saw WH, AL (MCKL), suddenly I seems to know everyone, everywhere.

…

AY agreed to “pivot” me around. I would say having a girl next to you is far easier to talk to strangers.

I ask some opinion from a stranger group, and then talk to a lone lady by the bar.

Me : Hey I need an opinion…….
LL : Errr, well blah blah blah.
AY : Don’t listen to him, he is rubbish….( I wonder why she cock blocks me?)
LL : My friends were saying you look like my brother.
Me : Cool, so I will pet you as my sister and we can play Barbie together.
LL : HAHAHAHA
Me : Nice meeting you.

She turns away, one second she was so into the conversation, the next I just push her away. Yet another conversation turns stale. I seem to lack the authenticity in my conversation nowadays. : (

So the night just end like that, I fluffed around with JT friends but nothing interesting happens.

But it was a fucking fun night and I want to do it more.

Pics should be up once I get hold of it.

Interview with Lix.

2008-09-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I swear to god and cross my heart, nothing happen between us.

We just chat, serious!… we talk and nothing happens. ^^

Alicia, my “pivot” to be. : )

The reason?

2008-09-10T23:37:00.001-07:00

Don't really know why my fascination with shoes.

Maybe I have a large penis and need to get others distracted from it.

Well here is the second pair I bought this month. :>

I need to calm down before I become a shopaholic.

I’ve become bad.

2008-09-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

There is still a certain hole which still needs to be filled after the first night at MOS. It was the eve of Merdeka and patriot like me wouldn’t miss such opportunity to party away, reminiscing the joy and sorrow of achieving independent.

I was supposed to go clubbing with Tyler at heritage row, but Jonathan called and sold me on the context that 20-30 ex MCKLians* would gather around The Curve.

“Nervous, anxious and fear is the signs which tell that you are living, you should do it” a little voice behind my head sort of tell me.

Even though only 7-8 MCKLians (SA, HG, KW, BT, JT, GC) shown up, I was still rather nervous, I hadn’t seen them for such a long time and was worried how I will be perceived. Never mind, my no fuck no care attitude should surface in due time.

The “first half” I was rather a try hard.

Everyone decided to sing karaoke, I wasn’t a big fan but don’t dread it either. Beer comes and gone, song after song. I heard a click and I relaxed.

SA (7.5) walks to me to have some small chit chat with me.

I don’t remember the exact conversation.

But my neurotic connection (whatever you call it) is lapsing like fucks.

So is my heart.

I don’t think much will happen with so many cockblocks around.

I heard a soft utter “you have become bad”

“really” I asked looking for validation.

“you have change so much”

The conversation just turn stale, I walked off continue eating my cucumber and singing my song. By 3am, everyone’s excitement sort of peaked. Knowing I have to leave soon I say my goodbye over the mic and leave. Some girls who I don’t know at the corner even says goodbye to me.

I wasn’t the centre of the party, but I had fun. My hole got filled, alittle. There is still much to learn so I drove back drunk.

*MCKL methodist college Kuala Lumpur, now known as Wesley Methodist College, is my ex-high school.

Full Force Trading

2008-09-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

I was sick in the morning, took a day off and felt better in the afternoon. So I did something out of the blue (well it’s not spontaneous, but I am still proud of it).
I registered my own company; I have christened it Full Force Trading.

Should’ve named it Full Force Enterprise, but…. Ah well...

Things should set up within this month; I am putting in some effort, and let’s see whether it pays off.

Also, bought two identical rings, RM 10 each for both my index fingers.

Another time, another day.

Same bed different motive.

2008-09-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

I love traveling, it gives me the tranquility and deep thoughts I deserved. I picked her up. Rachel, from Giant and after some dilly-dally we headed to Seremban to celebrate his birthday, Tuck.

It wasn’t a long travel, within an hour we reached Tuck house. There is something going on between them. And it’s not because of my two years of knowing her as my “buddy”, comparing with the experienced-solid-four years they know each other. I wasn’t jealous; Rachel is not my type, period. It’s complicated and I am not interfering.

Barbeque is in session, some awkward name exchange (Swee Chyi, Kevin, Ryan and Jane’s parent) and loosen up later, I was myself. I ate courteously as my stomach has been to the extreme of two spectrums for the pass week.

Some leave earlier that night. I classified them as my angelic group of friends.

Soon we head back to Tuck house, he had prepared a room for both of us, and another for the girls. I linger around the girls’ dormitory while some of them are cleaning up. I caught up with my “buddy”, while got to know the other two girls better.

Swee Chyi a very shy girl and Jane, the ever hyper-talk-too-much girl.

I suggested we sleep (non sexual) together, so our soul will bond and we will be better friends. But it was a mistake I found out soon enough. Put any three girls in a same place and any topics revolving bags, shoe, guys and money will surface.

I put up with it for half an hour, and then something eerie took over my body- the dust from the bed. I was sneezing and my nose was running so I was walking around like a zombie finding tissue I can blow my nose in. It wasn’t a nice scene. Then I decided to go down to watch some teeveetee, but all I did was walk down to find a box of Mahjong, brought it up to play with the girls.

4am, I slept. 11am I awoken.

Girls’ intention and guys’ could sometimes be in such a contrast it leaves me numb.

Liquid courage.

2008-09-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

My second time down MOS, as usual I was drunk, so this is what happen.

I went in with friends, (all guys, Tyler and co) then I walk around, open a few sets left and right. Some girls into me, dancing with me and all.

Suddenly a cockblock come over.

“Hey don’t hit on my girlfriend”

“It’s a free country my dear friend, now buzz off”

“Watch your mouth, punks” he retorted

I was annoyed, so I took a bottle nearby and smash it on the table, it didn’t break. I hit it the second time and it broke. I heard liquid flowing down the table.

“Please!!! say that again”

His expression changes, he back off, no one in their sane mind would like this type of confrontation.

Two 6 footers bouncers approach me and grab me from the back. Luckily I got myself freed and punch one of them in the throat, he lie on the floor, kicking in pain.

“Back off!! It’s none of your business”

I don’t know, but probably everyone in the radius of 3 meters from me just stops what they were doing and stares at me, I am not use to this type of attention.

I took out my gun and fire a shot to the roof, the music stops and…..

Nah, I am just Kidding, I had fun. Open a few sets, with my liquid courage and that’s it.

I love my life.

Revival is for certain.

2008-09-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

What a long-haul-ass weekend. Trying so hard to fuck myself up, but as usual didn't manage to find any good chances... Had been drinking since Thursday and trying to adapt to the LIFESTYLE.

Thursday- It was Focus Media Launching, at Bar Club since 5, helping them set up the presentation, basically I was just standing and walking and trying to be helpful. Went home at 9.30, though event ends around 10.30, partially because I wasn’t in mood and partially I blamed it on the yucky Cocktail and Sangria they served, reason – must be because it’s free.

Friday- Club hopping- first to some lame GRO bar then to Euphoria and then to that dreadful Coco Banana. Was in the mood, so I drank and probably freak out my old and new friends, but don't think I give a too much fuck now?

The story- Hadn't club with Jon and Brian (my old old school mates) before, so I force myself into their circle and blamed them for not inviting me. MCB! They introduced me to some typical yuppies, Joshua, Derick a few names which I can recall.

I was in this hyper mood, and due to some god knows reason, I was drinking beer like piss. We drank at some local bar, Jon, Derick and me whilst waiting for the rest to arrive. They came and we go. Upon entry to MOS, we agreed to the beer lady that we would open two bottle of Havana-club. We walk in sat down and notice the place is as dead as a fucking funeral. So we all scheme to leave, we were so separated anyway, all seven of us.

Forget fucking who wanted to stay, but I was so eager to leave. So I bought myself a beer and walk around, not too bad, Carlsberg only cost Rm20 in MOS.

Then the beer lady walks to me.

“hey where did you guys went, I opened the bottle already.”

I thought to myself, fuck!!!, where’s the gang, we are screwed.

“hey, the money is with my buddy, I will get back to you as soon as I found them” I said coyly.

Time to run, I thought.

So I walk out and call them

“we are screwed, the beer lady already open the bottles”

Joshua the *Ronald-look-alike-yuppy took over and asks us to leave.

Cool, now it’s your responsibility. At least I’ve got a free MOS reentry chops, Probably going to be barred from MOS ><… what a sucky first time experience to MOS, then yet again, like fucks I care.

We walk towards Coco Banana, on the way I grab myself another Carlsberg can from 7/11, I walk in like the fucking hero that I am to scan for the pack, the worthiness of the place.

“not bad, got crowd” I said upon returning, though just a breeze through and I can clearly sees that most of the crowd I speak of owns a penis, but I was desperate to have a place to drink so I didn’t bother with the complete truth. We enter; exchange our coupon for beers, and party away.

…

I was probably 45% drunk at that time, so I have no problem talking to random strangers. You can’t really consider that a talking, more like me shouting something and they receiving it as a drunken gibberish over the loud ass RnB music.

I even tried pulling in a girl for a dance, but she raise her hand like she surrender. 45% and I am still savvy what a rejection is, Fine!, time to walk off. I seriously couldn’t recall how many random strangers I talked to or how many girls I just approached, it’s like they are all so insignificant I don’t even bother.

3am, my head was rampaging. The whole gang minus a few was outside Coco Banana. I took my last cigarette and say my farewell to those yuppies. All in all it was a worthwhile night, I learn, how to dun give a fuck and that’s a good trait to have for the future, I just know it.

Tell you how my Saturday, Sunday and Monday was,tomorrow.

Total spent on the Friday outings = RM120+

* Ronald is my SriKL school mate, who looks and act very pleasantly to everyone.

Shoes

2008-08-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

I bought a cool working shoes 3 days ago.

Among all clothing which I wear, shoes always attract me the most.

* 10 days later still nice and shiny :)

Pilot: Shadow Office of Force

2008-08-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

There is this cursor, blinking and luring me like a sultry wife doing that pre-mating ritual. I am obliged to write, but my impotency makes it all impossible for my heart to sing and to ponder on my under current of emotions. There is something I can't seem to recapitulate, like how it was said, or maybe it was never said.

Like any other human being, my doubt constantly torments my peace. I have very vague memory of something which I thought of a minute ago. I am a believer of completion, only things which I still miss are money and girls which (in a guy perspective) equivalent to POWER. I like struggle, but was never persistent in finishing things, like for example, I love philosophy writing but never bother carving my grammar or to read a bit more.

Will this be another incomplete project?

Time will tell. Life I guess will never be complete, just like the constant discoveries we had of the world. I am curious and my growth engrosses rapidly, but sometimes my low enthusiasm cripples the remains motivation I muster. My dream retreat would be a long train ride, when I spend with myself or maybe someone significant, but she has to be quiet. Deep thoughts of detach realities.

Something I wish to learn, to rid off the frivolous beating of bushes and get to the point.
This is the blog to do so.

In this sphere I will speak of my truest thoughts, my wildest desires.
“I love women, I love those who are especially docile and quite, just like my pillow which I make love to every night… opps blushes…btw my sexual urges are oozing hastily onto the surface, which I am somewhat uncomfortable with yet welcome to it.”

I am the remaining asset of myself, my thoughts are worth trillions of bucks, my perspective to things around is rare and spectacular, and my emotion, I am still containing and dominating. (I am Egoist; just try to count the “I” in this posting.)

Unique?

Who isn’t? But greatness comes from something different from uniqueness, I also believe that as a Taurus, I need constant adulation from the world and myself. We growth, yet in growing be yank along a perception of how the world decays, only true great men sees through this. This whole stinking, draining memories… this time, this “thing” calls life we determine as fact… Nah, lets not get overly philosophical.

Could all this be a speculation? Am I really that pathetic that I have to act sympathetic to earn some respect? Am I manipulative?

Hell if I care!

I will be happy the sooner, that I learned everybody can't be happy at the same time. Focusing on them kick me back into a bad state of recession. My culture had me learned not to be impressive but what I need right now is a good crying to sleep. Song don’t mean a thing if you hadn’t been through it before.

No one listens to the ranting of a youth.
My words are close to meaningless. Yet I was blessed with a voice, even being at low frequency, any only the one true spectator, I write on. You are always welcome to moderate my growth, even to join me and yet we may not always travel in the same spectrum and see things eye to eye.

So once again welcome, Welcome to this is shadow of my heart, my intellect.

Yours Truly,

Force